Week Four Fantasy Recap

In week four of the Waterdown Fantasy Football League, Fire Goodell, owned by local unemployed man Austin Stanton took over top spot in the league, moving to 4-0 after recording over 100 points for the second time this season in a 104.56  to 75.96 win over Tom Saavaaage.

Stanton’s team was again led by early season fantasy monster Todd Gurley who had over 200 yards from scrimmage and posted 28.50 points. His only mistake of the week was benching Kelvin Benjamin who finally had a quality game, going over 100 yards for the first time this season.

“Well with no job, I had more time this year to do research than ever before,” said Stanton, who at press time has yet to dress or shower today. “I’ve also been lucky with opponents and injuries.”

Stanton is the only remaining undefeated player in the league as Foles Gold picked up their first win of the season, taking down the league leader after week three – Melissa McCrory, 100.32 to 83.24.

Upon suffering his first loss of the season, Melissa McCrory owner Mason Onski was faced with another blow this week as his his league rival Matt Rooney’s Fuck You Amy team picked up their first win of the season

“Rough week for the kid,” said Mason. “I still have Kareem Hunt on my team though, and I plan on being in the championship game again this year.”

Rooney’s Fuck You Amy squad defeated the consensus worst team in the league AndyDaltonHasASoul 85.38 to 69.48 to pick up their first win of the 2017 season.

“My team is full of beauties on paper, it was only a matter of time before I picked up a win,” said Rooney. “All your teams are shit anyways.”

While Rooney’s fantasy team may have picked up a win, his beloved Oakland Raiders lost QB Derek Carr for up to six weeks and therefore are now on pace to finish last in the AFC West as they will be relying on E.J. Manuel to win them football games.

Defending champion Dirty Chelz continued their surge up the standings, winning for the second consecutive week after an 0-2 start.

Dirty Chelz posted a league high 113.10 points in week four to defeat T Jenny From the Block 113.10 to 89.88.

Sadly owner Mitch Onski wasn’t able to celebrate his victory with a few cold ones because after already suffering the loss of stud David Johnson, rookie sensation Dalvin Cook is out for the season with an ACL tear and Seahawks’ running back Chris Carson also went down with an injury.

“This is so bullshit. I’m the best drafter in the league and this shit keeps happening?” said Onski. “Honestly… who wants to drink?”

After Keepergate earlier in the season, some are suggesting the commissoners team may be cursed.

The final win of the week was picked up by 2 Gurleys 1 Cup, who beat Dak to the Future 92.22 to 62.88. Both teams are now .500 after four weeks of play.

The standings through week four can be seen below.

Standings week 4



Week Three Fantasy Recap

While week three in the real NFL was dominated by President Trump’s war of words with players kneeling for the anthem, week three of the Waterdown Fantasy League was dominated by defending champion Dirty Chelz.

Dirty Chelz picked up their first win of the season by putting up the highest weekly point total in the league this season, steamrolling AndyDaltonHasASoul 152.32 to 103.32.

Dirty Chelz owner Mitch Onski, who has been “fucking pissed” about the bad breaks he’s faced this season, with two of the toughest match ups in weeks one and two, had things fall into place in week three, with all of his position players except Keenan Allen putting up double digit points.

“Finally Dirty Chelz had the type of week I need to get back to the top of the league,” said Onski. “I’m back in business boys, watch the fuck out.”

After his victory Onski celebrated by crushing more than a couple Mitchelob Ultra’s.

Melissa McCrory, owned by the younger Onski brother Mason, came up big in a rivalry match against the Matt Rooney’s Fuck You Amy Squad, winning 109.60 to 73.56.

Whenever Onski. Jr. and Rooney’s teams meet, there’s more than a simple victory on the line, because Mason’s teams are always named after Rooney’s ex-girlfriends.

“I named my team after Matt’s ex to get in his head,” said Mason. “It’s working too because his team is shit.”

With his win Melissa McCrory maintains the top position in the league.

In response to Mason’s comments, Roonhead had this to say.

“You know what, you try to be a nice guy and this is what happens.”

Rooney was later spotted guzzling pitchers’s at Phil’s Grandsons in Waterloo, Ont., and grinding with women of questionable moral standing.

Tom Saavaaage picked up their second win of the season in the closest match of the week by narrowly defeating Dak to the Future by a score of 98.46 to 97.32.

Owner Tom Wright could have saved himself some stress by not having Jordan Howard and his 27.60 points on the bench, but eeked out the win on the strength of Washington running back Chris Johnson’s 25.80 points.

“I thought that the Steelers D would shut down Jordan Howard, but I was wrong,” said Wright. “Thankfully I was able to pick up a win and fire it up with the boys along the way.”

Dak to the Future is now 2-1, and owner Derrick Montieth had this to say after the game.

“Like I’ve been saying all along. My team’s the best in the league, and I’m the biggest beauty in the league, now get out of my face with that mic.”

Also improving to 3-0 to keep pace with Melissa McCrory atop the league were Fire Goodell and T Jenny from the Block.

Fire Goodell defeated Foles Gold 93.42 to 82.82 and T Jenny from the Block took down 2 Gurleys 1 Cup 90.10 to 86.80.

Fire Goodell was led by Todd Gurley’s massive three touchdown performance on Thursday night, making up for the fact that four of his players, C.J. Anderson (4.30), Martavis Bryant (3.0), Kyle Rudolph (0.4) and Kelvin Benjamin (0.8) failed to break the five point barrier.

“Well I’m glad I was able to win because my team is looking a bit sketchy, Benjamin is terrible and Rudolph isn’t getting any targets,” said owner Austin Stanton. “At least I have a job interview on Friday.”

Taylor Jenkins, the owner of T Jenny From the Block and one of the most vocal owners following Keepergate to start the season, benefited from a 28.10 point performance from Brandin Cooks, but wast the cheapest winner of the week as he only had the seventh highest point total in the league.

“Sometimes you need to get those dirty, grind it out wins, and that’s what I did this week, said Jenkins. “I’m going to be a force in this league, despite the fact I got screwed in the draft.

The standings through week three can be seen below.

Standings week 3.PNG




Week Two Fantasy Recap

After week two of the Waterdown Fantasy Football League, 2015 champion Melissa McCrory continues to hold top spot, improving to 2-0 following a convincing 97.60 to 77.28 win over the league’s worst team AndyDaltonHasASoul.

Melissa McCrory was again led by Chiefs rookie Kareem Hunt who recorded 22.90 points in week two. Owner Mason Onski left Michael Crabtree and his three touchdowns on the bench, but he doesn’t give a shit.

“Boys I’m fucking lapping the league again, even with 26 points from Crabtree on the bench I took home the W,” said Onski.

Leading the league in points during week two was Fire Goodell, who posted one of the highest weekly totals in team history outscoring Fuck You Amy 128.52 to 83.68.

Owner, and local unemployed man Austin Stanton, benefitted from great production by his running backs, with Todd Gurley and C.J. Anderson racking up 23.60 and 28.40 points respectively.

“With no job, I had lots of time to do fantasy research this year and I’m reaping the rewards,” said Stanton. “If it wasn’t for the fact I owe Kathleen Wynne thousands of dollars, everything in life would be working out for me.”

After his big win Stanton was spotted drinking Old Style Pilsners and looking at employment insurance application forms.

T Jenny From the Block is also off to an 2-0 start, collecting a 92.32 to 45.08 win over Tom Saavaaage in week two.

Team Owner Taylor Jenkins left 18.20 points from Emmanuel Sanders on the bench but was carried to victory by double digit performances from Melvin Gordon, Leonard Fournette, Mike Gillislee, Chris Boswell and Ben Roethlisberger.

“Thankfully benching Sanders didn’t come back to bite me in the ass, but I was playing Tom, and let’s be honest his team sucks,” said Jenkins.

Dak to the Future was the fourth team to improve to 2-0 in week two, eeking out a 79.82 to 78.80 over Foles Gold.

Owner Derrick Monteith was sweating after leaving Davante Adams and his 15.90 points on the bench, and O’Dell Beckham Jr.’s status still up in the air late into Monday night, but thankfully Beckham’s 3.60 points was enough to take home the win.

“Like I said last week, I’m a beauty so it’s not surprising I’m 2-0,” said Monteith. “Let me know when the rest of league wants to start trying.”

2 Gurleys 1 Cup moved to 1-1 with an 84.84 to 80.12 win over Dirty Chelz. Drew Brees 23.24 point performance was enough to make up for a total of 6.30 points from Jeremy Hill and Christian McCaffery.

“I went wide receiver heavy in the draft and so far it’s working out,” said league owner Jamie Stanton.

Defending champion Dirty Chelz, owned by commissioner Mitch Onski, suffered a bad beat for the second week in a row as his 80.12 points would have been good enough to win 3 out of 5 match-ups.

“This is bullshit,” was Onski’s only comment.

Earlier in the week the younger Onski, Mason, swindled Fuck You Amy owner Matt Rooney by swapping Jarvis Landry and Theo Riddick for Doug Baldwin, after picking Riddick up from the waiver wire.

To summarize, in one move Onski got of his favourite player’s on his team and forced Rooney to drop a player he liked for Theo Riddick, a terrible running back who plays for the Detroit Lions.

The standings after week two can be seen below.

Standings week 2


Week One Fantasy Recap

In week one of the Waterdown Fantasy Football League, following a controversial inaugural keeper draft process last Wednesday that had multiple league owners calling for the resignation of Commissioner Mitch Onski, the usual suspects are on top of the league and the unrest has settled.

Defending champion Melissa McCory, owned by Mason, the less controversial Onski brother, opened the season with a ridiculous 127.64 point performance, led by Chiefs rookie Kareem Hunt who posted 41.60 points in week one to defeat Dirty Chelz in a rematch of last year’s championship battle.

“Well you know I just wanted to put the right guys on the field and that’s just what I was able to do,” said Mason in between sets of incline bench at the local YMCA. “I ran this bitch ass league last year and I’m going to fuck you pussies up again this year.”

Dirty Chelz had the third highest point total in the league in week one recording 92.22 points but sadly it wasn’t enough and Dirty Chelz best player was Stefon Diggs, who torched the owner’s favourite team, the New Orleans Saints in primetime on Monday Night Football, making it a rough week for the owner and comissh after a controversial start to the season.

“Yeah I could have won this week, so it’s bullshit, but whatever,” said Mitch. “I still had more points than Rooney which is all that matters.”

Taylor Jenkins, the most outspoken owner in response to what is being called “Keepergate” by the press, actually had the second strongest outing of week one – posting 94.82 points with his re-branded T Jenny From the Block Squad.

“You know I was pissed off with that bullshit,” said Jenkins. “But I still drafted like a beast and I’m planning on winning this corrupt league to prove all my haters wrong.”

T Jenny From the Block defeated Foles Gold in week one by nearly 30 points, who posted the second lowest point total of the week with 68.68 points.

Dak to The Future, managed by the most inept owner in the league, Derrick Monteith, is in fourth place after picking up a comfortable win over Fuck You Amy.

Dak to The Future had 91.72 points and was led by the Vikings Adam Thielen who posted 16.70 points in week one. Surprisingly Monteith remembered to put Thielen in for O’dell Beckham Jr. after his star WR was ruled out due to injury.

“I’m actually a huge beauty so it’s no surprise I’m undefeated. Don’t be shocked if it stays that way all season, considering I have the best team in the league,” said Monteith.

Fire Goddell also picked up a win this week, beating up on the consensus worst team in the league, AndyDaltonHasASoul 85.74 to 45.48. Managed by local drain on society and unemployed university graduate, Austin Stanton, Fire Goddell benefitted from a 16 point performance from the Steelers Defense and a strong game from his idol Aaron Rodgers.

“I have no job right now, so really it would be a disgrace if my fantasy football team wasn’t able to win,” said Stanton from his childhood room where he’s been forced to move after failing to secure gainful employment. “I plan on being a contender in the league this year.”

The final win of the week was picked up by Tom Saavaaage who scored the lowest points out of anyone with a victory, defeating 2 Gurleys 1 Cup 81.08 to 65.94.

The worst bench of the week belonged to T Jenny From the Block who left Patriots Running Back Mike Gillislee (22.50 points) on the bench in favour of starting Emmanuel Sanders who posted a whopping 2.60 points from the Flex.

Tigers Starting Pitching has been their Strength … Dejavu ?

For a team that lost Rick Porcello and Max Scherzer to free agency the Detroit Tigers’ starting pitching has been excellent. The Tigers are 11-2 through their first 13 games and a large part of their early success is thanks to the emergence of a new trio of aces.

The Tigers’ starters have put up impressive numbers as a whole. They’ve held opponents to a batting average of .238 while posting an ERA of 3.13 and a WHIP of 1.19 in the process.

However, these numbers get even more impressive with the omission of Anibal Sanchez’s abysmal stats and Kyle Lobstein’s lone start.

Sanchez has been saddled with both of the Tigers’ losses this season and his numbers have been terrible. The $15 million man is 1-2 through three starts due to an opponent’s batting average of .299, an ERA of 7.71, and a WHIP of 1.47.

The Tigers other three starters David Price, Shane Greene, and Alfredo Simon have been on fire. The Tigers have won all nine games these men have started and when you look at their numbers it’s easy to see why.

In their nine starts Price, Greene, and Simon have held opponents to a .182 batting average over a total of 60.1 IP. This has led to a combined ERA of 0.84 and WHIP of 0.82.The trio has struck out 27 batters and given up just 12 walks along the way.

In his eighth season out of Vanderbilt this is what fans have come to expect from Price, a four-time all-star and CY Young award winner. He was the staff ace in Tampa and his career record of 87-51, 3.16 ERA and 1.14 WHIP speak for themselves.

He has continued his dominance over hitters this season. Opponents have hit .167 against Price and his 0.40 ERA and 0.81 WHIP put him near the top of the league in both categories

The 26 year-old Greene is in just his second year in the majors after starting 15 games with Detroit last season. He also has the best numbers in the trio.

Greene is 3-0 and has gone at least seven innings in all three of his starts. Opposing batters have been absolutely fooled by Greene hitting just .160 and striking out 11 times. His 0.39 ERA and 0.79 WHIP are even a shade better than Price’s.

The third member of the group is Alfredo Simon. Simon is the oldest of the bunch at age 33 and the Dominican is in his 8th year in the MLB.

Simon is 3-0 just like Greene but has slightly more human numbers. His ERA is 1.74, WHIP 0.87 and opponents have hit just .220 against him.

Are Shane Greene and Alfredo Simon equal to filling the large holes left by Rick Porcello and Max Scherzer? Three weeks into the season the answer appears yes.

Despite losing two of the best pitchers in the American League the Tigers still somehow have three starters in the top 20 in ERA and WHIP.

Their newest trio might even grow to be a quartet if Simon and Greene stay on an even keel and Sanchez returns to last season’s form.

Scoring in Bunches has been the Jays Recipe for success.

The Toronto Blue Jays are nine games into their 2015 season and have had a mixed bag of results.  The Jays (5-4) are one game above .500 and won two series on the road against division rivals New York and Baltimore before losing their first series at home to Tampa.

The Jays 5-4 start is actually a mediocre record for a team that has out-scored their opponents 53-39. This number is skewed by the fact that thanks to a handful of early inning offensive explosions the Jays have dominated their opponents when they win.

The Jays have doubled up their opposition in games they’ve won this year, out-scoring their opponents 46-23 in their five victories.

In their two wins against the Yankees one inning’s worth of scoring was all the Jays needed to topple to Bronx Bombers. A five-run third in the season opener and a four-run second in the rubber match of the series would prove to be enough, en route to 6-1 and 6-3 wins.

The Jays continued to score in bunches in the opening game of their series against the Orioles. A four-run first and a five-run fourth put the game on ice. They followed a similar pattern to victory in the series finale. With a one-run lead in the third, the Jays put up a four-spot and cruised to victory.

Their win last night against the Rays was their first victory where the Jays haven’t had an inning with four or more runs but that didn’t stop them from scoring in bunches early on. The Jays started the contest with at least two runs in each of the first five innings, racing out to an 11-1 lead in the process.

What’s interesting is when you look at the Jays losses they tell a completely different story. In contrast to their lopsided victories, three of the Jays four losses have been one run affairs.

In their four losses the Jays have been held to just six runs and have managed to score more than one run in an inning just once. Their best offensive performance in defeat was a meagre three-run effort against the Rays.

What does all this mean going forward? Is it time to turn off the television and concede defeat if the Jays haven’t torn the cover off the ball in one of the first five innings? No obviously not, it’s only week two of a six month season. The Jays still have 153 games left on their schedule.

So while it’s not a big cause of concern, it may be something to look forward to. I know that I could get used to a Jays team that’s really good at jumping out to big leads and holding onto them. Especially if they can figure out how to manufacture a few more runs in tight games where they haven’t had the big inning.

Goalie Controversy Brewing in Vancouver … Again?

One of the major themes in the second-half of the NHL season has been the inspired play of young netminders. Devon Dubnyk has Oilers brass shaking their heads in disbelief and Andrew Hammond has been the catalyst of the Sens miraculous playoff push.

Another youngster who’s been playing well of late is Vancouver Canucks goalie Eddie Lack. Lack, 27 has appeared in 40 games this season, the bulk of those in February and March, after the Canuck’s major off-season acquisition and starting goalie Ryan Miller went down with a knee injury on Feb 22nd.

The Swedish back-stop has posted a record of 11-6-2 since Miller’s injury and his numbers have been solid, a GAA of 2.55, and a SV% of .919 while facing just over 32 shots per game.

The Canucks have just three games left in their season and it remains uncertain if Miller will be able to work his way into one of these contests. This raises the question of whether he will be primed and ready for the playoffs after missing a month and a half of action.

The scenario gets even more interesting if he isn’t available for the start of the Canucks first-round series. What if Lack continues his solid play and the Canucks are able to move onto the second round before Miller is ready to return?

The NHL is a very superstitious league and riding the hot hand is a proven strategy come playoff time. Willie Desjardins will face a difficult decision if Miller becomes healthy half-way through the first-round or before the second and Lack is still rolling. Does Desjardins have enough trust in Lack to stick with him if he continues to succeed?

We’ll have to wait to find out, but it certainly would be a gutsy move to leave a 6 million dollar man and 12 year NHL veteran on the bench in favour of a goalie who has played just 81 regular season NHL games.

The Vancouver fanbase and media are no stranger to goalie controversy in the playoffs, remember Corey Schneider? Will we see a similar story play out this season or will Miller get healthy be able help Vancouver try and make it further in the playoffs than he’s ever been before.

Miller’s most successful playoff run came in 2007 when the then 26 year old helped the Sabres make it to the Easter Conference Final.

NBA MVP Race, Is it Too Close to Call ?

With two weeks left in the NBA season the battle for MVP is looking like four man race between Stephen Curry, James Harden, Russell Westbrook and Lebron James. All four are having incredible seasons and the race is neck and neck.

The Warriors have been the darlings of the NBA this season. Thanks to a last second win against the Suns last night the team is now 62-13, good for a .827 winning percentage and Curry has been the driving force behind the team’s success.

Curry, one half of the Warriors splash brothers duo, is averaging 23.7 PPG, 7.8 APG and 4.2 RPG while only turning the ball over 3 times per game.

At 43.4% Curry is also stroking the ball at ridiculous rate from downtown. This puts him 3rd in the NBA among those attempting 5+ threes a game.  Curry has shot 50% or higher from deep in 15 games has made 5 or more triples 23 times.

Steph also has 22 double doubles and has gone for 30+ points 15 times, including a 51 point performance against the Mavs in February where he made 11 three-pointers. These are mind boggling numbers considering he hasn’t played in the fourth quarter of so many games this season.

James Harden has put the Houston Rockets on his back for most of the season with Dwight Howard missing 40 games due to injury. Harden’s numbers have been absolutely ridiculous. He’s averaging 27.5 PPG, 7 APG and 5.7 RPG.

Perhaps Harden’s most valuable skill is his ability to get to the rim. It seems he is able to put the ball on the floor, drive to the hoop, and make a bucket or draw a foul at will.

As a result of his driving ability Harden gets to the line an average of 10.2 times per game and has had a total of 752 attempts on the season, in 16 Harden has had 15 FTA and he’s had four games with 20. He makes the most of these opportunities by shooting 86.6% from the charity stripe.

Even though Harden does a lot of things really well, it’s still his pure scoring ability which has stood out this year. He’s dropped 30 or more points 33 times.

That means he’s scored 30+ points in 43% of the Rockets games this season. Included in these 30 point efforts are nine games with 40 or more and two 50 point nights. Harden also has 19 double-doubles and three triple-doubles on the season.

Plain and simple Russell Westbrook has been playing out of his mind this year, especially in the last two months. In February and March Westbrook averaged 31 PPG, 10.3 APG and 8.8 RPG, raising his season totals to 27.6 PPG, 8.7 APG and 7.3 RPG.

Kevin Durant has missed 48 games this year and is shut down for the duration of the regular season and playoffs. Durant’s absence has meant Westbrook has been forced to carry the bulk of the scoring load for the Thunder this year and he’s flourished under the pressure.

Westbrook has had 25 games where he has poured in more than 30 points including 7 where he has gone for 40. Not to mention his play has been the furthest thing from one dimensional. He has an astounding 9 triple-doubles to go along with 27 double-doubles.

He’s also the only person in the NBA even in the same stratosphere as James Harden in terms of getting to the free throw line. With 582 attempts on the season Westbrook is good for 9.7 a game.

Last but certainly not least is Lebron James. LBJ is a perennial MVP candidate and the Cavs play in the second half of the season has made everyone forget about their mediocre start.

As usual Lebron is putting up massive numbers. James has shot 49% from the field en route to averaging 25.6 PPG, 7.3 APG and 5.9 RPG. While his PPG is a career low the 30 year old superstar is still one of the most dominant players in the NBA and a match-up nightmare.

Lebron has scored 30 or more points in 18 games this season and the King has dropped 40 on three separate occasions. With 7.7 FTA per game James ranks fourth in the league behind Westbrook, Harden and Demarcus Cousins.

Curry, Harden, Westbrook, and James are all deserving of the award and so are several others. Marc Gasol is having a stellar season in Memphis as is his brother Pau in Chicago.

Anthony Davis has been crucial to the Pelicans success and if the Kings weren’t so abysmal Demarcus Cousins would be in MVP contention. Cousins is averaging 24.1 PPG, 12.5 RPG and 3 Blocks while shooting 47% from the field.

Despite the near identical numbers and each player’s excellence in certain areas, Curry may have a slight edge over his fellow frontrunners. With seven games left Golden State is on pace for a 68 win season which would be good for third all-time.

It seems hard to believe anyone is even considering giving the MVP to anyone other than the man steering that ship, but that just shows how many players are having great seasons. One last stat about Curry is that he’s only playing about 33 minutes per game. Compare that to Harden’s 37 and Lebron’s 36 and his numbers are even more impressive.